The Birds, Bees, and Other Bulls***.

Why do you want me to learn how to poop on the potty? I'm fine the way things are!
Why do you want me to learn how to poop on the potty? I’m fine the way things are.

Hopefully, you’re a little older. You’ve finished college and are well on your way to a successful career. By this time, you’ve made all the right decisions and if you are pregnant, you’re very happy to have some alien creature growing in your (or your significant other’s) body. And I personally know you’re going to be a terrific parent, because you’ve taken the right steps and are looking for advice from others.

The young human mating ritual is as follows. Drink copious amounts of liquor to cloud judgment. Against better judgment, continue with poor mating choice. Upon adult maturity, discard poor mate, then repeat process.

Although my maladjusted Eastern European immigrant parents unknowingly sent my adolescent life into a meaningless mistake-filled spiral in this arena, allow me tell you about the birds and the bees, and the flowers and the trees, and all that other happy horsecrap that will do nothing but endeavor to destroy the otherwise productive lives of your teenage sons and daughters. Since your average novels, movies, and television programming have conspired not to tell you the truth, here’s how it goes in the real world. Share this with your kids well before you think they’re ready.

It all begins and ends in the sack. Human mating is inbred physically and cerebrally. And it’s centered around an unique physical and emotional pleasure most mortals find difficult to fight.

From the moment you allow that nasty, self-absorbed one-eyed monster to get into that wonderfully warm cave, you have to consider the fact that there’s always the possibility that you might be creating something you might not want, no matter how careful you might think you are. And that something will be up your butt, consuming a majority of your time, money, and all other resources – yes, sucking the life out of you — for the following 22 years (now longer in many cases).

It’s irresponsible to have sexual relations if you’re not ready to raise a child. And it’s inconsiderate and disrespectful to have relations with someone you’re not at least fairly certain you’d like to partner with for at least 18 years to raise that child. Lots of people tend to overlook that very important fact.

And ladies, feign all the responsibility you’d like, but unless you’ve been raped, the decision to have intercourse is ultimately yours. Keep your legs closed no matter how much he sweet talks you until you’ve got some history and you really know him. Ironically, your teenage brain isn’t yet capable of good judgment and you cannot yet distinguish reality from the pop culture fairytales you were raised on. Regardless, test him repeatedly. Don’t worry about losing him – if he splits because you won’t open the box, he wasn’t worth it.

A young girl, thinking she’s simply entitled to a boy who’s going to fulfill her fairytale relationship (modeled for them and imprinted in their brain by none other than the geniuses at Nick, MTV, and the Disney Channel), is already looking for her soul mate by the age of 11. And she’s ready, willing, and able to do whatever she has to do to get the best looking boy in school (because the teen show producers have inadvertently taught her that’s exactly what she is supposed to do). Of course, boys are already ridiculously horny as a result of Mother Nature’s hormonal confusion, and media-influenced peer pressure makes things even worse.

So we’re left with a paradox — silly teenage girls looking for a perfect boy for a life-long relationship; and boys solely interested in notching their belts to improve their social status so they can be the next generation of Jersey Shore losers. You can tell your daughters this is how it is until you’re blue in the face, and she’s going to think you’re stupid and out of touch. Thanks, media douchebags. Hope your daughters get knocked up too.

This is the conversation you need to have with your teenage daughters. And here are the cold, hard facts you’ll need to cover.

My little darling, relationships are never like they are on TV or in any movie. If Hollywood story relationships were like the real world, they’d be depressing and no one would want to see movies about them. Do you recall ever seeing a well-dressed welfare mom with a racially mixed child living in the projects on any adolescent-skewed cable network? No, and you never will.

Boys under the age of 30 are simply not wired to be interested in long-term relationships, regardless of what they tell you, and how well they fake it. Boys will lie, cheat, and steal to get into a girl’s pants. Unlike you, boys feel ZERO remorse whatsoever for breaking a girl’s heart. They’ll laugh at a girl who’s crying. Every single secret you tell a boy in confidence, be assured he’s going to tell his buddies, and they’re going to laugh at you. Good looking boys, especially athletes, are the worst offenders. They have many more opportunities to be with various girls, so they’re less likely to value your heart or your relationship because there’s always some other dumb chick waiting.

If you get pregnant, YOU will be stuck with the child, and the boy will continue to party. A young girl with a child is still looked upon as a whore by her neighbors, friends, relatives, and potential suitors. Society is a harsh judge of character. A young girl with a child will be shunned by truly good boys and miss many valuable (and fun) social opportunities. A young girl with a child will find it incredibly difficult to finish school or begin a career, cultivating a life of mediocrity or poverty. Babies require full-time attention for about sixteen years, so kiss most of your social life goodbye until you’re “old” like your mom (at least well into your late 30s).

No young boy wants to be a father, especially to another man’s child. There is a very high probability he will not marry you, and even if he did, he won’t stick around. Although I am personally blessed to have some very good responsible friends in this category, in several studies and books including “The Role of the Father in Child Development” by Michael E. Lamb, several citations indicate that young men are less likely to stick around to raise a child largely due to socioeconomic factors.

Boys will brag about oral sex too. One blow job with the wrong guy and you’ll be branded as a whore with a ruined reputation for your entire high school experience.

Boys know that girls with tattoos are open-minded and easy scores. Plus, feelings are temporary, but tattoos are permanent.

Alcohol and marijuana have been proven to impair your judgment. As little as one beer can devastate your common sense and defenses. It’s OK to say no. If it’s not OK, you’re hanging with the wrong people. It only takes one poorly thought-out mistake to ruin your life.

So, my little angel, keep your legs crossed and your mouth closed until your second or third year of college. By then, if you’ve paid attention, you should know how to recognize the difference between good guys and bad guys from the stupid mistakes other students and your friends have made. I’m not saying don’t date and don’t fall in love, I’m saying avoid the more permanent things until you’re old enough, mature enough, and responsible enough to handle the real world. Because when the world comes crashing down on you, Mickey, Cody, Cory, Carly, Charlie, Hannah, Zack, Zoey, or the Situation ain’t gonna be there to help.

Jake had an inkling she was a substance abuser. When they got back together about a year before his daughter was born, he thought she had kicked her habit. She and her mother told him she had been in rehab, and he believed them. At that time, Jake’s naiveté did not allow him to realize that you never really kick a substance problem. He later learned that all substance abusers are very convincing liars.

Long story short – she got pregnant, the timing sort of matched up, so Jake manned-up and married her. He thought it wasn’t that baby’s fault she was brought into this world, so the least he could do was give her a chance.

Jake’s friends and family thought he was nuts. “Get a DNA test! Are you stupid?” But he refused. To Jake, DNA didn’t matter. He decided this was his daughter, and that he would always love her as his daughter, and that’s all that mattered to him. What still bothers Jake the most is she may have abused substances during her pregnancy, which may lead to potential health issues for his child. Jake found several crack vials hidden in a closet and in her bedroom during her pregnancy. She denies using. But she denies everything. Sociopaths always do.

One night, after a tumultuous several months of arguments over her pawning his daughter off to grandmom every day (and night), she tried to stab Jake with a large chef’s knife during an unprovoked drug-induced rage. He managed to disarm her with a chair. She went for another knife, but he slammed her hand in the drawer before she could grab one. She then ran to the bedroom and called the police, telling them Jake was an intruder and he was trying to kill her. Jake thought about leaving, but that might have validated her story. So he waited outside. Lying face down with a mouth full of grass on the front lawn, handcuffed, with about twenty police cars (all with guns drawn) and every neighbor for blocks around staring at him, Jake decided that moment might be a good time to finally leave this crazy woman. The officer in charge took one look at Jake’s ex’s extremely dilated pupils, and then gave him five minutes to grab his clothes while they restrained her.

A day or two later, some dude named “Jimmy” supposedly called Jake from “prison” to tell him his child’s mother was a crack whore. Jake didn’t want to believe him. He asked for proof – thinking he’d never be able to supply it, so Jake could continue healing from his already destroyed life. Jimmy told him he’d have it soon. The next day, there was a knock at Jake’s parent’s front door. When he went to answer it, no one was there. But there was a poster lying on the porch, wrapped in brown paper surrounded by a thin rubber band. Jake hesitated with trepidation, knowing that this could be a pivotal moment in his life that might cause a downward spiral from which he may never recover. But Jake opened the poster anyway. And there she was – in full color – his child’s mother, butt-naked and spread-eagle on someone else’s bed. Jake’s heart sank as this hideous reality he had been denying for years suddenly became real. Jake later found Jimmy sent the same poster to her neighbors, her extended family, her church, and her school’s principal. She must have really pissed Jimmy off.

To this day, twenty some years later, Jake is not certain that his daughter is his biological child. Jake’s daughter and he are now estranged, thanks to her mother and her fabulously convincing fictional fabrications. Her mother has told him several times, usually during heated arguments, that Jake’s daughter is not his child. Jimmy told him the same thing. Jake will never know which words to believe from that woman’s mouth, and she is the only one who will ever know the truth.

Jake says he has no regrets, and chooses to be an optimist. But I bet if Jake could have that night back twenty-some years ago, he would have been at the bar with his buddies rather than with that psychotic crack ho. Several years later, Jake remarried. Another decade later, still gun-shy but a bit smarter, he was talked into having a second child in a more traditional way. And as irony would have it, that turned into a crash and burn too. At least Jake is fairly sure this child is biologically his.

We are human. Therefore, we are fallible. Ensure that you and your children enter every situation with widely open eyes, and collect all the information you can, and then sleep on it. Make the best judgment you can before you make a decision that will affect the rest of your (and your future child’s) life.

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