Now that pot is almost legal, you’ve got to make some bucks for those buds. Long held secret in the underground economy, it’s time to flush out those jobs covered by pot heads. Having been married to a drug addict and dragged through that hell for a decade, you can guess I have no patience for anyone who needs artificial life sweeteners. Whether you support the legalization of bud or not, you have to admit the stereotypical pot smoker is… well… let’s just say pretty laid back. Anyone who has bucked our legal system and its consequences over the past several decades is either too dumb to think clearly, or too villainous to care. Either way, I ain’t hiring him. Based on a very informal and highly subjective intellectual survey of an unstatistically significant group of entrepreneurs, here are our Top 10 Jobs for you Marijuana freaks.
10. Car detailer.
Wax on, wax off. Two incredibly simple motions for a head devoid of a functioning brain. There are no real educational requirements for a detailer. The labs have done all the chemistry for you, all you’ve got to do is slap the crap on and wipe it off. Plus — where do you think all that spare change you dropped between the seats goes? That’s right — munchies. I wouldn’t be surprised if the detailer eats those stale fries under the seat cushions too.
9. T-shirt maker.
It’s a well-known fact that most well-known artists were higher than kites when they created their well-known masterpieces. Art appreciation is insanely subjective and artists are typically vetted by unscrupulous capitalists, so you can surmise I’m not going to make any excuses for them. The lowest form of artist today is the T-shirt artist. Simply find yourself a used silkscreen at a garage sale, set up shop in a sweaty garage, hire a couple of like-minded tokers, and you’re now an enterprising business person creating concert t-shirt knockoffs.
8. Sign shop workers.
As a budding entrepreneur who frequently enlists the services of sign shops, I once thought sign shop employees (and owners) were on crack. Close, but no blunt. From spelling errors to late deliveries and broken contracts, there’s not much your typical sign shop can’t and won’t fudge up. Since real businesses use sign shops, you’ll make a few more bucks here than you would silkscreening or airbrushing t-shirts.
7. Tattoo parlor peeps.
Whilst on the topic of bad judgment, this is a double-hit. And that’s exactly what makes this a perfect job for a toker. You’ll get to display your artistic talents (or lack thereof) while taking an obligatory bi-hourly smoke break. What’s even better, you can compare hydroponic methods with your customers while you’re defacing their skin. What other job can you collect tips for permanently scarring the skin of another human being?
6. Quickie Mart.
Smoking dope leads to… MUNCHIES! This is the only case in which the “don’t get high on your own supply” mantra need not apply. Sure, they count inventory. But there’s always spoilage. Whoops! How did that bag of chips break open? And whoops — wow, that hot dog fell on the floor. Waste not want not! Some of the bigger chains do enforce drug testing, but I’m sure you can find a random Indian who is looking for a fine young American to exploit. They’ll even sell you wrapping papers. Thank you, come again.
5. Disc Jockey.
Since most of these overrated fools who play other people’s music are employed as contractors or subcontractors, guess what — there’s no employee pee testing! You’re your own boss! I suppose you could pee test yourself, but that might be the beginning of a laughing seizure, and you know how those get — WINK WINK. Fire up your bong in the parking lot with a couple of your closest friends, then bust out that iPod and play songs that only intoxicated fools could appreciate.
4. Investment broker.
This has got to be the coolest job in the world — gambling with other people’s money. And the best part — zero accountability! WOW! That’s got to be incredibly boring, you know, raking in all those commissions from stupid rich people with nothing to lose. What’s a broker to do? Why, get high! Party with prostitutes, drug dealers, pimps, chiropractors, defense attorneys, and other like-minded individuals and don’t worry about the real world. Whatever, bro. Go get that Bimmer detailed.
Similar to an investment broker, only with limited accountability, things can get pretty boring in politics. Opposing parties, elections, lobbyists, demonstrators, budget shortfalls, and countless other distractions will impede your ability to do anything constructive. So what’s a brother to do? GET HIGH, MAN! Who’s going to pee test a politician?
Any kind of sales will do. Think about it — it takes a certain kind of slimy sociopath to willingly lie, cheat, deceive, and do whatever it takes to close a sale. From cars to vacuum cleaners to medical equipment to adult toys, these fake facades often need a little 420 to take the edge off and make the world a little more palatable than it typically seems. The more they make, the more they take.
Finally, forget drug testing, because most landscaping companies will hire anything with a pulse. Especially in Florida. Hydroponics or not, there’ll always be a need for farmers to produce that sweet fake Hawaiian bud. And what better way to get closer to green than by becoming a landscaper? After all, weed is weed. No schooling is necessary. You’re cutting grass, bro. As a matter of fact, no IQ is necessary. It’s always low stress too, dude. It’s not like that crooked hedge won’t grow back, Mrs. Smith.
So no matter what you do and how you toke, don’t worry about it! Just chill, bro. There will always be a job for those who are up in smoke, dudes.