My son is almost thirteen. Fortunately, for both he and I, he’s still a young twelve. One of his homies is light years past him and already has a girlfriend, although he was born roughly two weeks after my son. My son thinks his friend has become weird, since he has suddenly decided to skip Xbox beasting and Airsoft battles, opting instead to watch a movie with some girl. Ewwwww. Personally, I think that kid’s parents are exercising bad judgment for allowing their son to date at twelve. And I know for a fact his goofball father will never give his son the “birds and bees” talk. This is my first go-round with that talk and boys… my prior talks have been on the fairer side of the fence. That crumpled up piece of paper I’ve already used three times is useless in this situation. I would let his mom do it, but she’s as clueless as my son is. Strangely enough, this blog post will be my drawing board and script. Yikes.
I don’t want to blow his mind, but I don’t want to sugar-coat it either. This information is critically important. As with anything a parent does effectively, you need to infuse a bit of spin to make sure your well-rehearsed points are communicated succinctly and digested properly. Your talk has to be cleverly interesting and not embarrassing, two tall orders in this particular realm. In Diary of an Angry Father, I talk about the rant I go on describing how girls should labor to keep their legs (and all other apertures) closed as long as possible, because boys only want that one thing. Now, I need to reverse myself and explain to my son why he will want it so badly. I realize I’ll have to be very careful in choosing my words, because they will become gospel in the event of any mistake. But you said I should do this and not that. You told me to do this! I certainly don’t want to get caught up in any funky kicks going down in the city, if you know what I mean. I need to craft this speech with a cup of brutal honesty, a teaspoon of spin, and at least four pints of outs.
I’m not going to make the mistake my father made with me. I was sexually clueless well into my 20s. I have to wonder how different my life would have been had he at least tried to sit me down and give me some advice. Now I know his dilemma. It’s much easier to ignore the whole thing and hope for the best, and many parents do just that. But I’m definitely not going to sell my own son short. I learned everything I learned about sex from a few misguided friends, a couple of bad movies, and a cornucopia of mistakes. And that was in a much tamer environment. Can you imagine the monster that might develop if your son’s first exposure to sexual relations is the 50 Shades of Gray movie on Netflix? The physical, emotional, and financial toll on me was tremendous. How could any father not want better for his son? We’re having that damn talk whether he wants it or not.
Without giving it away entirely and losing the bread and butter of my follow-up to Diary of an Angry Father, here are the bullet points of my discussion. Please let me know in the comments below if you think I’m wrong, if there’s a better way to put this, or if I missed anything. Thanks.
ONE: YOU HAVE A PENIS.
Eventually, if you haven’t already, you will begin to have strange feelings… down there. For some reason none of us may ever know, all men are hardwired to reproduce. And that’s what sex is for — the instinctual human urge to create more human beings. That thing we men pee-pee with is called a penis. And when your body is ready, which will probably be soon, your penis will also be capable of delivering sperm. That’s basically baby seeds.
TWO: GIRL FRIENDS VS. GIRLFRIENDS
You will begin to look at women differently, and your relationships with them will seem awkward. You’ll eventually want to kiss some of your girl friends on the lips hoping they might become your girlfriend. Although you are completely in control of your actions, you won’t be able to control the desire that’s in your head. And that is completely normal. But society and the law will expect you to control your actions. More on that in a bit.
THREE: THE LAW OF ATTRACTION
You won’t find everyone attractive, and not everyone will find you attractive. There will be a look, a smell, a sound, or some words that will engage your gears. You’ll know it when it happens. Your heart will feel funny. Your face will become flush. Your brain might begin to malfunction, causing you to think about some girl all the time. Occasionally, a girl will feel the same way. Other times, she just won’t be that into you, and that’s normal too. Don’t take it personally, and just move on. That’s where “there are other fish in the sea” comes from.
FOUR: WHAT IS SEX?
Some women will find you attractive, and when you get much older, some may want to have sex with you. That’s where the trouble begins. Sex is putting your penis into her vagina. A girl’s vagina is a small hole located about where your penis is. I’m not going to lie to you — for a man, it feels incredibly good. It’s hard to explain. But all kinds of bad things can happen when you put your penis into a vagina.
There are quite a few nasty little bugs that can harm you, or even kill you, called sexually transmitted diseases, or STDs, that you could catch from an infected woman. You can’t see these diseases, you can’t taste them, and you can’t smell them. You’ll never know she’s infected until it’s too late. Even if you think you know this woman well, there is the possibility that she may not know she’s infected, so don’t take her word for it. The only way to know for sure is to have a doctor do a test. Some of those diseases do not have a cure. That will mess up your life because you’ll have to tell all your girlfriends in the future that you have a STD, and they’ll avoid you forever.
Or, your sperm could attach to one of her eggs and create a baby. The last thing you want to do as a teenager is become a parent. Just because she carries the baby in no way gets you off the hook. If that child is yours, you have a moral, social, ethical, and financial responsibility to help raise that child that you cannot walk away from. Regardless if you and the baby’s mother stay together, you will be responsible for paying child support until your child becomes an adult. That’s 18 to 26 years in some states. And some women will avoid men who already have children. If you have a child before you’re ready for that kind of responsibility, it may ruin your whole life. So just don’t.
SIX: BIRTH CONTROL
There’s something called birth control. Condoms, or rubbers, are rubber bags you put on your penis to keep the sperm from leaking into a girl’s vagina. They will also protect you and her from most STDs. Make sure you’ve got one with you before you get into a sticky situation, because once you’ve started to get into a sexual situation, it’s very hard to stop. If you’re too embarrassed to buy condoms, that’s no problem, I’ll do it for you. No one else has to know. It is important to know that sometimes condoms can leak or break. Some girls go on the pill, which is a drug that’s supposed to stop women from becoming pregnant. But that won’t protect you from STDs. Some girls just say they’re on the pill, and they’re really not. It’s impossible for you to know. What is important to know is that no form of birth control is perfect, and there is always the chance of contracting an STD or getting a girl pregnant. An abortion is where a doctor basically sucks or scrapes an unborn baby out of a girl’s uterus, killing the fetus. They are often dangerous for the woman, very expensive, and difficult to get. So always use a condom no matter what.
Again, some of the women you find attractive won’t want to have sex with you. You may be able to convince her otherwise, but you can never force someone to like you or have sex with you. That’s called rape, and you can go to jail for that. For a long time. I know dudes do it in the movies, but even if you force a girl to kiss you, that may be construed as sexual assault. You can go to jail for that too. The rule of thumb is keep your hands off her unless you’re positive she’s okay with it. Movies are not real.
EIGHT: BIRDS VS. BEES
Most women’s minds and bodies don’t need to have sex like you think you do. Between the ages of 17 and 25, a woman will have sex more frequently for one or more of these three primary reasons: experimenting, bragging, or making babies. And ain’t nobody got time for any of that… except for the first reason. That’s the funnest.
Even if a woman seems to love having sex now, that won’t last forever. Everything gets old. You’ll probably tire of her long before she tires of you. That’s normal too. Although, if you’ve chosen well, your woman will most likely be monogamous. That means she won’t sleep around with your friends. But you’re a man, and you’ll undoubtedly will find you will begin to have the desire to spread your seed to other pastures. That’s why God created internet porn and titty bars.
When you’re ready, I’ll give you the talk on why I think women do what they do. I’m afraid if I did that now, your head might explode.
NINE: EMPTY THE CHAMBER.
Typical adolescent males will think about sex up to fifty times a day. That will definitely cloud your mind and judgment making it difficult to concentrate on school, or anything for that matter. Also, it’s dangerous to walk into a situation with a loaded gun, especially when you’re going on your first dates. At times, you may find it necessary to clear the chamber. Masturbation is basically, um, taking matters into your own hands. Some guys claim to do it two or three times a day. Women do it too. No matter what your stupid friends might say, it is perfectly normal and very safe. Just don’t leave towels or socks around for your mom to clean up, because that’s just nasty. Just let me know when you need me to run to the store for more hand cream or tissues.
Ugh. So that’s where I’m going to begin. Did I miss anything?