Top 10 Douchey Jobs.

Wondering how you should guide your child towards his or her future career? If your child is very difficult or just a mean-spirited person in general, you’ll be happy to know there are quite a few jobs that might be perfect for your little devil. Although outsourcing and automation will replace several jobs vey soon, including some that are quite lucrative today, these douchey jobs will probably last a little longer and provide a stable income so your little bastard doesn’t remain at home on your couch.

  1. Process Server. Receiving a summons or notification of a lawsuit is never a pleasant thing. But some people voluntarily bring this bad news to good people and leave you with a smile on their face. You gotta love the license plate border of the process server who was in front of me on the road this morning.
  2. Debt Collector. Collecting a paycheck while harassing you to give you money that you may not have is probably one of the most cruelest professions of humanity.
  3. Prison Guard. If your kid is a team player, these guys will bond together easily. And what’s better for a mean person than to go around as a group and legally smack people around?
  4. Sales. There is no other job where you can be an outright liar, and still be successful at the same time. Other than a politician, of course. The bigger your lie, the bigger your paycheck.
  5. Politician. Here’s a great job for a mean person. Basically you do nothing productive, make promises you can’t possibly keep, and you make deals for yourself that turn out to be quite lucrative after you leave the office people trusted you with.
  6. Paparazzi. Simply follow famous people around and hope that they fuck up at something. Then you snap a picture or video, share it with millions, damage their reputation, and collect a handsome paycheck.
  7. Civil Servant. There is no better job for an asshole than being a civil servant. Customer service is not important, because any government job is basically a socialist monopoly. It’s very difficult to get fired, and no one really cares what your customers think of you.
  8. Celebrity. You have to be willing to do whatever you have to do to climb over your competition – attending one single audition for any television show will easily prove this. And to stay in the public eye, you’ll need to do a few bad things once in awhile so you get your face on the news to remain relevant.
  9. C.E.O. Your only job in the world is to ensure that your shareholders get the most from their stock prices. It doesn’t matter if you have to lay off 15,000 people, it’s not your fault. You’re nothing more than a scapegoat for your shareholders. And as a reward, you earn millions of dollars, and of course tons of shares.
  10. Investment Advisor. How investing in any stocks or equities is not considered gambling, is a miracle. Actually, it’s more of a crime. Basically, these guys, like salespeople, lie to you and tell you your money is going to grow based on a crystal ball which usually doesn’t work too well. They have zero accountability, and most of them aren’t too bright. Look for your ex-football players who man the staffs of most of these offices.

Do you know of any other douchey jobs? Please leave them in the comments below.


Why no responsible parent would buy an iPhone for a child under 18.

iphone-warningYour number one job as a parent is to PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN. Back in the day, that used to be easier. Kids ran around the neighborhood and moms looked out for each other. But thanks to Steve Jobs and his crew, we’re flying blind. I can count a thousand reasons why you should be monitoring your child’s activity on their portable devices, starting with:

  • Exposure to pornography
  • Terrorist recruiting
  • Cyberbullying
  • Criminal activities
  • Drug dealing or purchasing
  • Cheating on schoolwork
  • Ditching school

Computers were a little easier to monitor when the family shared one or two units. Today, it’s not uncommon for an eight-year-old to have his own iPhone and an iPad too. Sure, you can peek over her shoulder to see what she’s doing, but that won’t get you too far. You could take your chances dodging the dried boogers on her disgusting touchscreen while she’s sleeping, assuming she gave you her passcodes to access her devices. Or you could blindly ask her if she’s seen anything she’s not supposed to see, which is like asking a heroin addict how their recovery is going (it ain’t).

There is monitoring software now on the market like TeenSafe and  that can capture texts, typing, photos, and history – but it only really works on Android devices. Apple has closed its doors to apps that monitor or share information received or sent by an iPhone. TeenSafe and other products have limited capabilities in the iOS environment, but typically require a complicated and often frustrating setup. And your child will be well aware that it’s installed, since it clearly states on the bottom of your kid’s iPhone’s lock screen “THIS PHONE IS MANAGED BY “TEENSAFE INC.” This will alter your child’s behavior, forcing him or her to be more covert. You may never know what’s going on.


I had my computer guy install the trial version of the $14.99/month TeenSafe on his own iPhone, and he reviewed it on his YouTube channel. You will have to enter your credit card number and set up auto billing to get the trial, which kind of defeats the whole purpose of trial-ing. Anyway, both he and I were less than impressed. It took him an hour to remove their stupid certificate from his iPhone – I believe he was forced to erase and reset the whole phone.

What is important to know is that TeenSafe, or any other monitoring software, cannot monitor the following on any iPhone:

  • TeenSafe’s policy is to not display images nor play video nor audio from text messages. Are you kidding? Hope texts are good enough (it does recover deleted texts).
  • Instagram data is now unavailable due to changes at Instagram. Great.
  • Sees Kik and What’s App (text only), but most American kids don’t use those apps. If you’re in Asia or India, you’re golden.
  • Teensafe doesn’t even see Snapchat on the phone. This is the app all the kids are using, and the one that gets some kids in trouble.

What’s the point? If you got your kid any i-device, without “jail breaking” the device, you’re pretty much screwed. As you may have heard in the news, there is absolutely no way to completely monitor what anyone or any child sees or does on an Apple device. Apple even refused a request from the FBI to unlock the iPhone of a terrorist.

I believe iPhones should come with warnings that state “Recommended for ages 18+.” In the meantime, if your child absolutely “needs” a smartphone, get him an Android. There are several easy-to-use stealth monitoring apps available from your cell service provider for as little as $4.99 a month that do track texts with pictures, videos, and Snapchat too.



Don’t let your son or daughter be that ‘cool kid.’

Junior started his first day of high school today. He didn’t seem nervous, but I knew better. His older sister is now a senior, so he’s lucky he has someone to show him the ropes. She had to do it alone.
Here’s the problem. Junior seems to think he’s entitled to hang out with the “cool” kids. He decided to skip the high school marching band experience and has stated that swimming six days a week was too much work. According to his ill-advised mother, cool kids don’t do band and don’t swim.

Mom, cool kids get bored. They begin to hang out together. They begin to smoke pot and shoot heroin. They get in trouble with the law. They let their grades slip and cut school. They forgo the endless potential and college preparation high school affords their non-cool peers. Then, in four years, if they stick around that long, they’ll graduate to an endless spiral of bullshit sales jobs and a lifetime of mediocrity – while the uncool kids outearn them and generally succeed in a happier life.

Is that what you want for your cool son?

After clearly stating I would do the clothes shopping for his freshman year to teach him a lesson about being frugal and appreciative, Mom took him shopping anyway. She supposedly shopped all the sales she could. Imagine my shock when she handed me a stack of receipts totalling over $1,000. Her sale purchases included a $70 hoodie and a $100 pair of Florsheim shoes from Men’s Warehouse. The kid’s going to class, not a corporate job interview! I am not arguing he didn’t need new clothes. He grew considerably this summer, which is a good thing. But my trip would have run well under $300 and been limited to Kohl’s and Target, like most of the other kids in his grade. There is no non-athletic child in this world who needs a $170 pair of custom Nikes. That is perhaps the most extremely foolish display of poor parental judgment I have ever seen.

The icing on the cake? Junior poked fun at his sister’s $20 sneakers. I had to bite my tongue and leave the room. He’ll get a stern talking-to tonight. I sure as hell didn’t raise a kid to say things like that. 

Don’t worry, I won’t let Junior spiral into the death roll of mediocrity. After spending one too many summer weeks at Mom’s house, I’ll need to exercise some decompression therapy pronto and hope to ground him a bit. Significant damage has been done. And the older he gets, the more difficult this damage is to repair. 

We’re all screwed.

No – it’s not the Sophie’s Choice of Clinton or Trump. Actually, Sophie might have had both of them taken away. It’s the economy, stupid. The systematic eradication of the world’s middle class via mergers and consolidations – now featuring offshoring, reshoring, automation, and AI. There will be no jobs very soon, and I don’t hear anyone outside the fringes seriously talking about this.

In Rise of the Robots, the ultimate pessimist Martin Ford (@MFordFuture if you’d like to be depressed daily on Twitter) warns of a near dystopian future where financialization has rewarded a few well-placed oligarchs with winner-take-all spoils and leaves the rest of us grasping for crumbs. Some of you might think, “Great! I won’t have to do shit because the robots will do everything for us! Murica! Yeah!” Well, you genius Trump supporters, there’s a fundamental problem with your laziness. No jobs equals no income. No income equals no spending (and no taxes). No spending equals no capitalism. No capitalism equals no shareholder wealth, and the collapse of everything you know and love. Ford correctly observes that no one in our government seems to be talking about solving this problem.

I’ve talked about this before in Diary of an Angry Father, and how I am having a devil of a time telling my children how they should plan their schooling and subsequent careers, because every single piece of parenting advice ever written will be obsolete and foolish by 2020. Forget cooking, driving, medicine, law, stockbroking, financial advising, software development, or just about anything else you can fathom, because all those jobs are toast. Damn computers are writing symphonies that have fooled critics. The only sliver of hope I can past the 2020 horizon are the trades – plumbing, electricians, roofers, and builders – and only until they’ve built the buildings that will house their own replacements by 2025. When the middle class dies, the economy stops – and everyone will suffer.

So, one-percenters, it’s your responsibility to do something about this now before it becomes a government issue. Take some of that fabulous wealth (that we, the middle class, have made possible) and sock it away in some sort of special publicly-managed fund. Let it grow for a couple years at the same rate your income is growing, and gradually release it as a Universal Basic Income to those who will never have the opportunity to work a job again. This way people keep eating, they keep spending, you can still spoon-feed them your Fox News bullshit, and everyone is happy. You can’t even spend 60 billion dollars, so why keep it all to yourself when you’re going to lose it all anyways?

As far as my kid goes, I’m keeping tight-lipped for now. That’s all I need – a kid who knows no matter what he does, he’ll end up unemployed. He’ll never leave the house. Keep this one under your hat, fellow parents.