Top 10 Douchey Jobs.

Wondering how you should guide your child towards his or her future career? If your child is very difficult or just a mean-spirited person in general, you’ll be happy to know there are quite a few jobs that might be perfect for your little devil. Although outsourcing and automation will replace several jobs vey soon, including some that are quite lucrative today, these douchey jobs will probably last a little longer and provide a stable income so your little bastard doesn’t remain at home on your couch.

  1. Process Server. Receiving a summons or notification of a lawsuit is never a pleasant thing. But some people voluntarily bring this bad news to good people and leave you with a smile on their face. You gotta love the license plate border of the process server who was in front of me on the road this morning.
  2. Debt Collector. Collecting a paycheck while harassing you to give you money that you may not have is probably one of the most cruelest professions of humanity.
  3. Prison Guard. If your kid is a team player, these guys will bond together easily. And what’s better for a mean person than to go around as a group and legally smack people around?
  4. Sales. There is no other job where you can be an outright liar, and still be successful at the same time. Other than a politician, of course. The bigger your lie, the bigger your paycheck.
  5. Politician. Here’s a great job for a mean person. Basically you do nothing productive, make promises you can’t possibly keep, and you make deals for yourself that turn out to be quite lucrative after you leave the office people trusted you with.
  6. Paparazzi. Simply follow famous people around and hope that they fuck up at something. Then you snap a picture or video, share it with millions, damage their reputation, and collect a handsome paycheck.
  7. Civil Servant. There is no better job for an asshole than being a civil servant. Customer service is not important, because any government job is basically a socialist monopoly. It’s very difficult to get fired, and no one really cares what your customers think of you.
  8. Celebrity. You have to be willing to do whatever you have to do to climb over your competition – attending one single audition for any television show will easily prove this. And to stay in the public eye, you’ll need to do a few bad things once in awhile so you get your face on the news to remain relevant.
  9. C.E.O. Your only job in the world is to ensure that your shareholders get the most from their stock prices. It doesn’t matter if you have to lay off 15,000 people, it’s not your fault. You’re nothing more than a scapegoat for your shareholders. And as a reward, you earn millions of dollars, and of course tons of shares.
  10. Investment Advisor. How investing in any stocks or equities is not considered gambling, is a miracle. Actually, it’s more of a crime. Basically, these guys, like salespeople, lie to you and tell you your money is going to grow based on a crystal ball which usually doesn’t work too well. They have zero accountability, and most of them aren’t too bright. Look for your ex-football players who man the staffs of most of these offices.

Do you know of any other douchey jobs? Please leave them in the comments below.


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