Stupid All-American Wastes of Time, Money, and Energy.

I made the mistake of watching and reading the news last weekend. I try to avoid it because it’s entirely depressing. Our current domestic issues are terribly embarrassing and troubling. But that’s not what gets me. It’s the constant barrage of shit that doesn’t matter. The promotion of time-wasting activities that do nothing good for society or its inhabitants. The prolonged delay of the maturation of our species from a rampant and wasteful adolescence to an enlightened populous that I am now convinced I will not see in my own lifetime.

We trust the shrinking number of supposedly free yet curiously well-funded news outlets to be the barometer of our society. Humans, by their very nature, are biased. And we always will be. And until we’ve become smart enough to develop a safe and unbiased artificial intelligence, humans will skew the readings of society’s barometer in a manner that benefits a particular person or a certain group. We have been conditioned not to ask questions and to blindly accept what we read and hear from those frighteningly powerful entities. Those who rise up and question authority are socially ridiculed and financially ruined.

Let’s begin with what is perhaps the single largest sexist atrocity against females — The Miss America pageant. We parade scantily clad women who have what we have been conditioned to see as attractive features and perfect bodies across a stage, completely ignoring intelligence and anything else that matters. Meanwhile, at home, the other 99% of the female population watches this spectacle on television. Most of that majority actually embraces and appreciates the contest and its lack of morals. A smaller percentage becomes depressed and rejected, realizing she can never aspire to the physical attributes of what the rest of the world considers beautiful. Beauty or lack thereof should be considered a form of discrimination. It’s obviously more subjective than someone’s gender or the color of of a woman’s skin, but I am sure we could come up with some sort of consensus. How liberating would that be for the other 99% of women worldwide?

Next, let’s take a look at Jeebus, or Yeebus, or whatever Kanye Omari West is calling himself today. The fact that an angry musician, if you can even call him a musician, who talks over a drum beat (I can’t call them “songs”) to offensive nonsense titled “Niggas in Paris” and yells at people in wheelchairs at his concerts is one of the world’s best-selling artists of all time, having sold more than 21 million albums, more than 60 million digital downloads, and earned over 20 Grammy Awards, is fucking disturbing. Where is the musical value in these songs? Keeby’s rhymes are monotone and devoid of emotion, and the words are barely cognizant. Apparently, none of that matters, because the national media and the recording industry’s association constantly lauds Mr. West with coverage and awards. And the consuming public has made him extremely wealthy. This is the new breed of hero we have engineered in our misguided society. This is what children aspire to become. Most will never make it. No worries, because the prison industrial complex will welcome their frustrated asses with open arms.

USA Today reports that the Blue Angels were scheduled to fly over Baltimore. The Blue Angels is the United States Navy’s flight demonstration squadron. Basically, six pilots fly six fighter jets in formation and do all kinds of aerial acrobatics to appease thousands of spectators who revel in the demonstration of military might. Although there are relatively few incidents, the practice is ridiculously dangerous. Twenty-six Blue Angels pilots have been killed in air show or training accidents. If that wasn’t wasteful enough, let’s consider the amount of time involved in planning these shows, money spent on modifying non-combat aircraft, salaries of support staff, benefits, marketing and advertising, transportation costs, and fuel costs that are expended that don’t do one damn thing in the defense of this great nation. I thought our government had finally come to its senses in 2013 when sequestration quashed these performances. But former Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel, in his infinite wisdom, regards these shows as important for non-draft recruitment of underprivileged teenagers, so a “lite” version of the show was re-instituted in 2014.

Finally, as if a weekly schedule of 16 NFL football games weren’t enough, men who tend to avoid their wives and families on Sundays can now continue to do so during the rest of the week as they manage a fantasy football world. Fantasy football is an interactive online competition in which users compete against each other as general managers of virtual football teams built from the imaginary drafting of real players. Time that could be spent cooking, cleaning, learning, improving the house, parenting, bonding with children, or volunteering in the community is now unavailable because Mike is very busy playing with his imaginary fucking friends.

What the hell is happening here, my fellow Americans? I haven’t even broached the subject of the jobless losers who have the spare time to participate in reality television, not to mention the millions of women who follow those shows, and I am certainly hoping I don’t have to. How have we become such a placated, zombie-esque, and lazy society over the past fifty years? And what can we do to fix this idiocracy?



Parenting is the single most thankless job in the entire universe. I wish someone had told me this as a child. Maybe they did, but I was too much of a dick to listen. Who knows.

I tried to explain to my kid that good grades, decent standardized test scores, and demonstrated leadership are no longer enough for a white kid to get admitted to a decent college. College admission officers are now looking for you to stand out and be “interesting,” whatever the fuck that means. As I attempted to have an adult discussion about a number of ways my own son could be interesting, he informed me that he was “getting tired of standing here” and wanted to retreat back to his boy cave. Words lost to the universe. Ideas completely ignored. Heart completely shattered once again.

Then I thought about it. I understand why some women have kids. Inbred narcissistic tendencies create a need for attention. Society is trained to make an immense fuss over pregnant women. Then the kid grows up and repeatedly breaks Mom’s heart. For men, it’s much more simple – the male orgasm is our own form of narcissism. There is nothing in this world (that I’ve tried anyway) that feels as good as an orgasm. It’s addictive! I’m sure the male orgasm has some sort of correlation with an opioid high.

But, come on. Is all that fuss worth the pain?

I wondered why we couldn’t genetically engineer sex to feel like shit. What if every time a woman had sex, she’d become weak and puke for three days? Actually, I think my last wife used that excuse. How about us men – what if we came down with a case of acid diarrhea that burned the rim of our sphincters every time we came? Nasty, right? Or worse yet, what if we just died after the orgasm? This way, if you wanted to have sex (or children), you’d really have to suffer to prove it. Talk about a deterrent… there’d never be a case of rape again.

I’ve prayed for this change, but God and I aren’t on the same page lately. Now I’m heading to my bio-engineering friends. Eight billion people are way too many – especially when 60 million zombies voted for a man like Trump to lead the “free world.” And they’re still supporting that idiot. And they’re still having kids. I can’t imagine those parents feel any less thankless – or they just don’t care.