A Stepdad’s Ode to A Single Mother.

Look, I’ll be the first to admit, mothers will forever do a whole helluva lot more that fathers will in raising a child. Most fathers don’t give a crap about raising kids. I learned that cold, hard fact when my book, Diary of an Angry Father, failed miserably in its first release. Didn’t rank high in the evolutionary process I suppose. Ironically, I rewrote my book under a female pseudonym and a different title and it’s kicking ass. It’s the same damn book. Whatever.

What’s troubling is how unappreciated many single mothers really are. During the past decade, I’ve witnessed two teenage girls reach adulthood. They’re basically wonderful kids, but the mental abuse they’re inflicting on their mother is taking a horrendous toll. I’m sure her daughters cannot comprehend what they’re doing to her. So let me lay it the f*ck out for you, because I know you’re listening.

Although Child #1 pulled most of the same shit, child #2 is the worse offender. Once she turned 18, she must have magically blossomed into some full-grown, self-sufficient adult. She now comes and goes as she pleases, and conveniently forgets that Mom still stays up late awaiting her safe arrival home. When Mom asks about her whereabouts, she offers patronizing comments and few answers.

No, the world does not mysteriously change and bend around you upon your eighteenth trip around the sun. No, you are not smart enough, wise enough, or wealthy enough to live on your own. No, you are not mature enough to make smart decisions about things that will affect the rest of your life. That’s why eighteen still has the word TEEN in it. And guess what? So does nineTEEN. No matter how bad-ass you think you are, you’re still a goddamned child.

Little darlings, your mother is one of the finest, most generous, most caring and considerate human beings I have EVER met. You learn a whole lot about people after being in three wrecked marriages. I was incredibly cautious before asking her to be my fourth. She passed all my tests with flying colors. Ten years later, she still shines like a diamond. You have no idea how lucky you girls are. I have seen a perfect example of an awful mother. She’s so far gone that I now don’t expect the phone call telling me her now heroin-addicted daughter didn’t survive her last overdose. It truly breaks my heart, but I refuse to let it take me down too.

Mom made huge sacrifices you may never understand. Since today’s youth are lazy and don’t read anything except texts and Snap Chat messages, I’ll compartmentalize them for you in a few succinct bullet points.

  • She gave up her career for you. Mom decided against the career path that would have her in senior management right now. Why? She wanted to be there for you. Upward mobility requires a lot of travel.
  • She gave up her body for you. Every mom knows her body may never be the same after giving birth. Stretch marks, gained weight, and crazy hormones take a tremendous toll on some women. But she decided you were worth all that.
  • She gave up her happiness for you. Countless sleepless nights. Forgoing amazing vacation opportunities. Spending money on your tuition rather than massages and ritzy dinners. She always thought you were more important.
  • She’s giving up her health for you. It’s been medically proven that stress takes a horrible toll on your body. It creates high blood pressure, lower resistance, and ultimately a lower life span.

What’s most amazing is that she has absolutely no regrets. And I know she means that.

Children don’t realize that everyone has their limit. When you treat someone like shit for a long time, eventually, she’s gonna pop. And one day, when you figure out that you need Mom for something, she’s not going to come running. You’ll be on your own, Princess, and that’s gonna suck.

When she said “I love you to the moon and back,” she meant it. It’s your fault that distance now may only get you half-way across the block.


Stupid All-American Wastes of Time, Money, and Energy.

I made the mistake of watching and reading the news last weekend. I try to avoid it because it’s entirely depressing. Our current domestic issues are terribly embarrassing and troubling. But that’s not what gets me. It’s the constant barrage of shit that doesn’t matter. The promotion of time-wasting activities that do nothing good for society or its inhabitants. The prolonged delay of the maturation of our species from a rampant and wasteful adolescence to an enlightened populous that I am now convinced I will not see in my own lifetime.

We trust the shrinking number of supposedly free yet curiously well-funded news outlets to be the barometer of our society. Humans, by their very nature, are biased. And we always will be. And until we’ve become smart enough to develop a safe and unbiased artificial intelligence, humans will skew the readings of society’s barometer in a manner that benefits a particular person or a certain group. We have been conditioned not to ask questions and to blindly accept what we read and hear from those frighteningly powerful entities. Those who rise up and question authority are socially ridiculed and financially ruined.

Let’s begin with what is perhaps the single largest sexist atrocity against females — The Miss America pageant. We parade scantily clad women who have what we have been conditioned to see as attractive features and perfect bodies across a stage, completely ignoring intelligence and anything else that matters. Meanwhile, at home, the other 99% of the female population watches this spectacle on television. Most of that majority actually embraces and appreciates the contest and its lack of morals. A smaller percentage becomes depressed and rejected, realizing she can never aspire to the physical attributes of what the rest of the world considers beautiful. Beauty or lack thereof should be considered a form of discrimination. It’s obviously more subjective than someone’s gender or the color of of a woman’s skin, but I am sure we could come up with some sort of consensus. How liberating would that be for the other 99% of women worldwide?

Next, let’s take a look at Jeebus, or Yeebus, or whatever Kanye Omari West is calling himself today. The fact that an angry musician, if you can even call him a musician, who talks over a drum beat (I can’t call them “songs”) to offensive nonsense titled “Niggas in Paris” and yells at people in wheelchairs at his concerts is one of the world’s best-selling artists of all time, having sold more than 21 million albums, more than 60 million digital downloads, and earned over 20 Grammy Awards, is fucking disturbing. Where is the musical value in these songs? Keeby’s rhymes are monotone and devoid of emotion, and the words are barely cognizant. Apparently, none of that matters, because the national media and the recording industry’s association constantly lauds Mr. West with coverage and awards. And the consuming public has made him extremely wealthy. This is the new breed of hero we have engineered in our misguided society. This is what children aspire to become. Most will never make it. No worries, because the prison industrial complex will welcome their frustrated asses with open arms.

USA Today reports that the Blue Angels were scheduled to fly over Baltimore. The Blue Angels is the United States Navy’s flight demonstration squadron. Basically, six pilots fly six fighter jets in formation and do all kinds of aerial acrobatics to appease thousands of spectators who revel in the demonstration of military might. Although there are relatively few incidents, the practice is ridiculously dangerous. Twenty-six Blue Angels pilots have been killed in air show or training accidents. If that wasn’t wasteful enough, let’s consider the amount of time involved in planning these shows, money spent on modifying non-combat aircraft, salaries of support staff, benefits, marketing and advertising, transportation costs, and fuel costs that are expended that don’t do one damn thing in the defense of this great nation. I thought our government had finally come to its senses in 2013 when sequestration quashed these performances. But former Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel, in his infinite wisdom, regards these shows as important for non-draft recruitment of underprivileged teenagers, so a “lite” version of the show was re-instituted in 2014.

Finally, as if a weekly schedule of 16 NFL football games weren’t enough, men who tend to avoid their wives and families on Sundays can now continue to do so during the rest of the week as they manage a fantasy football world. Fantasy football is an interactive online competition in which users compete against each other as general managers of virtual football teams built from the imaginary drafting of real players. Time that could be spent cooking, cleaning, learning, improving the house, parenting, bonding with children, or volunteering in the community is now unavailable because Mike is very busy playing with his imaginary fucking friends.

What the hell is happening here, my fellow Americans? I haven’t even broached the subject of the jobless losers who have the spare time to participate in reality television, not to mention the millions of women who follow those shows, and I am certainly hoping I don’t have to. How have we become such a placated, zombie-esque, and lazy society over the past fifty years? And what can we do to fix this idiocracy?


Parenting is the single most thankless job in the entire universe. I wish someone had told me this as a child. Maybe they did, but I was too much of a dick to listen. Who knows.

I tried to explain to my kid that good grades, decent standardized test scores, and demonstrated leadership are no longer enough for a white kid to get admitted to a decent college. College admission officers are now looking for you to stand out and be “interesting,” whatever the fuck that means. As I attempted to have an adult discussion about a number of ways my own son could be interesting, he informed me that he was “getting tired of standing here” and wanted to retreat back to his boy cave. Words lost to the universe. Ideas completely ignored. Heart completely shattered once again.

Then I thought about it. I understand why some women have kids. Inbred narcissistic tendencies create a need for attention. Society is trained to make an immense fuss over pregnant women. Then the kid grows up and repeatedly breaks Mom’s heart. For men, it’s much more simple – the male orgasm is our own form of narcissism. There is nothing in this world (that I’ve tried anyway) that feels as good as an orgasm. It’s addictive! I’m sure the male orgasm has some sort of correlation with an opioid high.

But, come on. Is all that fuss worth the pain?

I wondered why we couldn’t genetically engineer sex to feel like shit. What if every time a woman had sex, she’d become weak and puke for three days? Actually, I think my last wife used that excuse. How about us men – what if we came down with a case of acid diarrhea that burned the rim of our sphincters every time we came? Nasty, right? Or worse yet, what if we just died after the orgasm? This way, if you wanted to have sex (or children), you’d really have to suffer to prove it. Talk about a deterrent… there’d never be a case of rape again.

I’ve prayed for this change, but God and I aren’t on the same page lately. Now I’m heading to my bio-engineering friends. Eight billion people are way too many – especially when 60 million zombies voted for a man like Trump to lead the “free world.” And they’re still supporting that idiot. And they’re still having kids. I can’t imagine those parents feel any less thankless – or they just don’t care.

So I’m a “podcaster” now.


I withheld. For YEARS. I mean, I’m a busy guy. Three businesses and a family. I ain’t got time for no parenting podcast! It took me months to finish the Diary of an Angry Father audiobook. I sure as hell didn’t want to do that again.

But then this guy at WDN tells me about a similar guy and his potential reach, and how many other fathers and mothers my words of wisdom might help, and… whatever. I’ve probably been snookered again.

But I did it. And it’s hot. It’s bad-ass. It’s honest. It’s snarky. It’s real. It’s me. And it’s here:

We air twice a week, at noon on Tuesday and Friday. But supposedly, you can download a podcast and listen to it whenever you want, so I suppose that’s a plus. Please listen, download, like, favorite, idolize, or do whatever it is people do with podcasts. Share it with someone you love. Or hate. Thanks again for your support.


Top 5 Documentaries To Save Your Life.

When I embarked on my search for truth in everything, I thought a good place to begin was with what I put in my mouth. Yeah, yeah, heard that one before, jackass. My cholesterol was high. My heart began to do strange things. And I was beginning to look like I was pregnant with a “food baby.” Not a good look for anyone. Before I committed to a lifelong date with statins, I decided I was going to see if there was another way to get healthy instead of masking my symptoms.

That research changed my life. My cholesterol is down. My heart is behaving. And I delivered my food baby through my ass. It’s not there any longer. My physician was blown away. Of course she was – medical school all but ignores nutrition, despite Hippocrates’ famous quote: Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food.

Like me, you might have a difficult time starting out in your research. I mean, come on – we’re Americans. It’s not cool to sit in a library or write research papers, right? A great place to begin is on your fat ass, on your comfy couch, armed with a remote control and the cheapest Netflix account you can afford. See them in this order if you have a choice.

1. Supersize Me (2004, Morgan Spurlock)

Oscar-nominated Morgan Spurlock endeavors to use his own body as a human guinea pig in a dangerous game of supersizing. Supersize Me follows a 30-day period from during which he ate only McDonald’s food. The film documents this lifestyle’s drastic effect on Spurlock’s physical and psychological well-being, and explores the fast food industry’s corporate influence, including how it encourages poor nutrition for its own profit. As a result, the then-32-year-old Spurlock gained 24 pounds; increased his cholesterol to 230 mg/dL; and experienced mood swings, sexual dysfunction, and fat accumulation in his liver. It took Spurlock fourteen months to lose the weight gained from his experiment using a vegan diet supervised by his then-girlfriend, a chef who specializes in gourmet vegan dishes. This is a terrific place to begin your own journey to healthy living. It’s what got me started.

2. Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead (2010, Joe Cross)

100 pounds overweight, loaded up on steroids and suffering from a debilitating autoimmune disease, Joe Cross is at the end of his rope and the end of his hope. In the mirror he saw a 310 pound man with one foot already in the grave. With doctors and conventional medicines unable to help long-term, Joe turns to the only option left, the body’s ability to heal itself. He trades in the junk food and hits the road with juicer and generator in tow, vowing only to drink fresh fruit and vegetable juice for the next 60 days. Across 3,000 miles Joe has one goal in mind: To get off his pills and achieve a balanced lifestyle. At a truck stop in Arizona, Joe meets a truck driver who suffers from the same rare condition. Phil Staples is morbidly obese weighing in at 429 lbs. As Joe is recovering his health, Phil begins his own epic journey to get well. This is step two towards believing food is the cure.

3. Food, Inc. (2008, Robert Kenner)

This documentary addresses the issue of corporate farming in America—and as you’ll find out, it’s a very big problem to tackle. TThe film’s first segment examines the industrial production of meat (chicken, beef, and pork), calling it inhumane and economically and environmentally unsustainable. The second looks at the industrial production of grains and vegetables, again labeling this economically and environmentally unsustainable. The film’s final segment is about the economic and legal power, such as food labeling regulations, the heavy use of petroleum-based chemicals in pesticides and fertilizers, and the promotion of unhealthy food consumption habits by the American public. This film will begin to introduce you to the American food business game.

4. Forks Over Knives (2011, Lee Fulkerson)

What has happened to us? Despite the most advanced medical technology in the world, we are sicker than ever by nearly every measure. Two out of every three of us are overweight. Cases of diabetes are exploding, especially amongst our younger population. About half of us are taking at least one prescription drug. Major medical operations have become routine, helping to drive health care costs to astronomical levels. Forks Over Knives examines the profound claim that most, if not all, of the degenerative diseases that afflict us can be controlled, or even reversed, by rejecting our present menu of animal-based and processed foods. A top surgeon and head of the Breast Cancer Task Force at the world-renowned Cleveland Clinic, found that many of the diseases he routinely treated were virtually unknown in parts of the world where animal-based foods were rarely consumed. You’ll begin to see that we are what we eat.

5. Food Matters (2008, James Colquhoun)

Food Matters is a 2008 film about nutrition. The filmmakers interviewed several world leaders in nutrition and natural healing who claim that not only are we harming our bodies with improper nutrition, but that the right kind of foods, supplements and detoxification can be used to treat chronic illnesses as fatal as terminally diagnosed cancer. It tends to label the medical industry as a “sickness industry,” which profits more from treating the symptoms of illness than curing.

This is just the beginning. There are many more documentaries that all seem to spread the same message. Makes you wonder. Made me healthier.

Top 10 Family Movies of All Time

Watching news reports of a group of idiot teens watching a man drown in a lake not ten minutes from my home and doing nothing, I began to think – those kids didn’t have enough family time. Ostensibly, these children’s parents didn’t have the time, foresight, or opportunity to teach their children to have a moral compass. What’s left is four soulless children on the fast track to the prison industrial complex.

I’m not gonna lie – lassoing your kids up for a family night is difficult. There are so many distractions – video games, YouTube, social media, Pokemon. You need to find a common ground that satisfies their curiosity as well as entertaining you. And that’s hard! If you leave the room, there goes family time.

Today’s kids aren’t as childish as you would hope. As a parent, especially of a tween or teen, you’ll need to be ten times more creative than any other movie buff or stupid parent blogger to keep them in the same room for two hours. Plus, your damn kids prolly saw every new movie out already, so you’ll need to dig back. Way back. I’ll be the first to admit that old movies typically suck – but the ones I’ve recommended below are timeless.

A few caveats. The movie should be funny, but also needs to ultimately teach a moral lesson. If it ain’t funny, it needs to keep moving to keep people interested. I can’t count the times kids left the room 20 minutes in. Have everyone put their phones in a basket and turn them off. They aren’t going to die if they don’t have their phones for a couple hours. And have a family dinner before the movie if you’ve got the time. That’s a nice extended intro to chat about current happenings. You can’t really talk during a movie.

Some have a few sexual references, so make sure you’ve already had that talk. If you’re freaky about that kind of shit, watch them yourselves first.

Also, always opt for the original. Chances are your brats haven’t seen that version on Netflix. Plus, there’s a certain charm in the originals that seems to be lost with today’s directors.


10. Home Alone (1990, Macaulay Culkin)

Home Alone is a 1990 American Christmas comedy film written and produced by John Hughes and directed by Chris Columbus. The film stars Macaulay Culkin as Kevin McCallister, a boy who is mistakenly left behind when his family flies to Paris for their Christmas vacation. Kevin initially relishes being home alone, but soon has to contend with two would-be burglars played by Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern. The film also features Catherine O’Hara and John Heard as Kevin’s parents.

Moral lesson: Always have a battle plan for adverse situations.

9. Karate Kid (1984, Ralph Macchio)

The Karate Kid is a 1984 American martial arts drama film produced by Jerry Weintraub, directed by John G. Avildsen, written by Robert Mark Kamen, and stars Ralph Macchio, Pat Morita and Elisabeth Shue.[4][5] It is an underdog story in the mold of a previous success, the 1976 film Rocky, which Avildsen also directed. The film features the Gōjū-ryū style of karate.[6] The Karate Kid was a commercial success upon release and garnered critical acclaim, earning Morita an Academy Award nomination for Best Supporting Actor.

Moral lesson: There’s a specific order of things in Karate just like in nature. It is nature’s progression that allows animals to survive in the wild, and it’s Karate’s progression that would ultimately allow Daniel-san to succeed as a student.

8. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971, Peter Ostrum)

Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory is a 1971 American musical fantasy film directed by Mel Stuart, and starring Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka. It is an adaptation of the 1964 novel Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl. David Seltzer, who went uncredited in the film, was brought in to re-work Dahl’s screenplay against his wishes, making major changes to the ending and adding musical numbers. These changes and other decisions made by the director led Dahl to disown the film. Seltzer’s changes were much better than the real story.

Moral lesson: Honesty is the best policy.

7. Wayne’s World (1992, Mike Myers)

Wayne’s World is a 1992 American comedy film directed by Penelope Spheeris, produced by Lorne Michaels and written by Mike Myers and Bonnie and Terry Turner. The film stars Myers as Wayne Campbell and Dana Carvey as Garth Algar. It was adapted from a sketch of the same name on NBC’s Saturday Night Live.[2][3] Wayne’s World follows Wayne Campbell, a young rock ‘n’ roll fan who lives with his parents and has a collection of hairnets and name tags from former jobs in the fast-food industry. However, he and his best friend Garth Algar, also a fan of rock ‘n’ roll, are producing a public-access television show titled Wayne’s World which they are broadcasting from Wayne’s parents’ basement. Everything changes when a studio decides to buy Wayne and Garth’s program in order to improve it. However, the studio slowly begins destroying the show. Wayne attempts to trust in his new girlfriend Cassandra and to save his channel.

Moral lesson: A flawless profile, a perfect body, the right clothes, and a great car can get you far in America, almost to the top, but it can’t get you everything.

5. Joe Dirt (2001, David Spade)

Joe Dirt is a 2001 American adventure comedy film starring David Spade, Dennis Miller, Christopher Walken, Adam Beach, Brian Thompson, Brittany Daniel, Jaime Pressly, Erik Per Sullivan, and Kid Rock. The film was written by Spade and Fred Wolf, and produced by Robert Simonds. The plot concerns a “white trash” young man, Joe Dirt, who at first seems to be a “loser”, a failure, an antihero. As he travels in search of his parents, his fine qualities are increasingly revealed. He ends up with a new “family” of close friends, people he has helped and who respect him. Critical reception was mostly negative, and the film was a modest financial success.

Moral lesson: Home is where you make it.

4. Ghostbusters (1984, Bill Murray)

When Doctors Venkman (Bill Murray), Stantz (Dan Aykroyd) and Spengler (Harold Ramis) suddenly find themselves downsized from the University’s parapsychology department, they decide to go the entrepreneurial route, chasing down ghosts and apparitions. But they face their greatest challenge when the beautiful Dana Barret (Sigourney Weaver) discovers her refrigerator door leads directly to the gates of hell. Now with the whole world watching, it’s up to the Ghostbusters to keep Manhattan from becoming a madhouse in this hilariously-haunting action-comedy.

Moral lesson: I ain’t afraid of no ghost. Hopefully your kids will no longer be either.

3. Big Daddy (Adam Sandler, 1999)

Immature 32-year-old bachelor slacker Sonny Koufax lives in New York City and refuses to take on adult responsibility. Despite having a law degree, he refuses to take the bar exam, works one day a week as a toll booth attendant and lives off a sizeable legal settlement from a minor accident. His girlfriend, Vanessa, threatens to break up with him unless he grows up. His roommate, Kevin Gerrity, proposes to his podiatrist girlfriend Corinne Maloney before he leaves for China for his law firm, and she accepts. Sonny constantly teases Corinne, especially about her former occupation at Hooters.

Moral lesson: You gotta grow up sometime, but who says you can’t have a little fun along the way?

2. Back to the Future (1985, Michael J. Fox)

Back to the Future is a 1985 American science-fiction adventure comedy film[6] directed by Robert Zemeckis and written by Zemeckis and Bob Gale. It stars Michael J. Fox as teenager Marty McFly, who is sent back in time to 1955, where he meets his future parents in high school and accidentally becomes his mother’s romantic interest. Christopher Lloyd portrays the eccentric scientist Dr. Emmett “Doc” Brown, Marty’s friend who helps him repair the damage to history by helping Marty cause his parents to fall in love. Marty and Doc must also find a way to return Marty to 1985. Bonus: there are two more films – more family time!

Moral lesson: Everything you do has repercussions throughout time.

1. Contact (1997, Jodie Foster)

Contact is a science fiction drama film directed by Robert Zemeckis. It is a film adaptation of Carl Sagan’s 1985 novel of the same name; Sagan and his wife Ann Druyan wrote the story outline for the film. Jodie Foster portrays the film’s protagonist, Dr. Eleanor “Ellie” Arroway, a SETI scientist who finds strong evidence of extraterrestrial life and is chosen to make first contact. The film also stars Matthew McConaughey, James Woods, Tom Skerritt, William Fichtner, John Hurt, Angela Bassett, Jake Busey, and David Morse.

Moral lesson: We’re all in this thing together.

Top 10 Jobs for Potheads.

Yay. So we’re a podcast now if you’re too lazy to read. Please subscribe and download it because it’s awesome, and I get paid like .0003 cents per download. Woo-wee. It’s here:


Now that pot is almost legal everywhere, you’ve got to make some bucks to buy those buds.

Long held secret in the underground economy, it’s time to flush out those jobs coveted by potheads.

Having been married to a drug addict and dragged through that hell for a decade, you can guess I have no patience for anyone who needs artificial life sweeteners. Whether you support the legalization of marijuana or not, you have to admit the stereotypical pot smoker is… well… let’s just say pretty laid back. Anyone who has bucked our legal system and its consequences over the past several decades is either too dumb to think clearly, or too villainous to care. Either way, I ain’t hiring him. Based on a very informal and highly subjective intellectual survey of an non-statistically significant group of entrepreneurs, here are our Top 10 Jobs for you Marijuana freaks.

10. Car detailer.

Wax on, wax off. Two incredibly simple motions for a head devoid of a functioning brain. There are no real educational requirements for a detailer. The labs have done all the chemistry for you, all you’ve got to do is slap the crap on and wipe it off. Plus — where do you think all that spare change you dropped between the seats goes? That’s right — munchies. I wouldn’t be surprised if the detailer eats those stale fries under the seat cushions too.

9. T-shirt maker.

It’s a well-known fact that most well-known artists were higher than kites when they created their well-known masterpieces. Art appreciation is insanely subjective and artists are typically vetted by unscrupulous capitalists, so you can surmise I’m not going to make any excuses for them. The lowest form of artist today is the T-shirt artist. Simply find yourself a used silkscreen at a garage sale, set up shop in a sweaty garage, hire a couple of like-minded tokers, and you’re now an enterprising business person creating concert t-shirt knockoffs.

8. Sign shop workers.

As a budding entrepreneur who frequently enlists the services of sign shops, I once thought sign shop employees (and owners) were on crack. Close, but no blunt. From spelling errors to late deliveries and broken contracts, there’s not much your typical sign shop can’t and won’t fudge up. Since real businesses use sign shops, you’ll make a few more bucks here than you would silkscreening or airbrushing t-shirts.

7. Tattoo parlor peeps.

Whilst on the topic of bad judgment, this is a double-hit. And that’s exactly what makes this a perfect job for a toker. You’ll get to display your artistic talents (or lack thereof) while taking an obligatory bi-hourly smoke break. What’s even better, you can compare hydroponic methods with your customers while you’re defacing their skin. What other job can you collect tips for permanently scarring the skin of another human being?

6. Quickie Mart.

Smoking dope leads to… MUNCHIES! This is the only case in which the “don’t get high on your own supply” mantra need not apply. Sure, they count inventory. But there’s always spoilage. Whoops! How did that bag of chips break open? And whoops — wow, that hot dog fell on the floor. Waste not want not! Some of the bigger chains do enforce drug testing, but I’m sure you can find a random Indian who is looking for a fine young American to exploit. They’ll even sell you wrapping papers. Thank you, come again.

5. Disc Jockey.

Since most of these overrated fools who play other people’s music are employed as contractors or subcontractors, guess what — there’s no employee pee testing! You’re your own boss! I suppose you could pee test yourself, but that might be the beginning of a laughing seizure, and you know how those get — WINK WINK. Fire up your bong in the parking lot with a couple of your closest friends, then bust out that iPod and play songs that only intoxicated fools could appreciate.

4. Investment broker.

This has got to be the coolest job in the world — gambling with other people’s money. And the best part — zero accountability! WOW! That’s got to be incredibly boring, you know, raking in all those commissions from stupid rich people with nothing to lose. What’s a broker to do? Why, get high! Party with prostitutes, drug dealers, pimps, chiropractors, defense attorneys, and other like-minded individuals and don’t worry about the real world. Whatever, bro. Fire up and go get that Mercedes detailed.

3. Politician.

Similar to an investment broker, only with limited accountability, things can get pretty boring in politics. Opposing parties, elections, lobbyists, demonstrators, budget shortfalls, and countless other distractions will impede your ability to do anything constructive. So what’s a brother to do? GET HIGH, MAN! As a matter of fact, there’s a dope sitting in the Oval Office right now, so who’s going to pee test a politician?

2. Sales.

Any kind of sales will do. Think about it — it takes a certain kind of slimy sociopath to willingly lie, cheat, deceive, and do whatever it takes to close a sale. From cars to vacuum cleaners to medical equipment to adult toys, these fake facades often need a little 420 to take the edge off and make the world a little more palatable than it typically seems. The more they make, the more they take.

1. Landscaper.

Finally, forget drug testing, because most landscaping companies will hire anything with a pulse. Especially in Florida. Hydroponics or not, there’ll always be a need for farmers to produce that sweet fake Hawaiian bud. And what better way to get closer to green than by becoming a landscaper? After all, weed is weed. No schooling is necessary. You’re cutting grass, bro. As a matter of fact, no IQ is necessary. It’s always low stress too, dude. It’s not like that crooked hedge won’t grow back, Mrs. Smith.

So no matter what you do and how you toke, don’t worry about it! Just chill, bro. There will always be a job for those who are up in smoke, dudes.

Or, just pretend you need it medically (snicker – wink).